i always feel bad.
i feel like i'm holding him back.
and he always tells me i'm not...but i know i am.
he says he wants to spend his life with me and i would love that...but i just don't think he wants that right now...
sometimes i feel like he just wants me to wait for him at the end and let him live in the meantime...
i love him but i'm SO scared of losing him.
i just don't understand why someone as good as him is with a loser like me.
i just don't understand.

i love him. i love him. i love him.
and i know he loves me.
10 months went by fast...and next friday i pick him up from the airport...
things are always ok when we're together...but i need them to be ok when we're apart too.
cause i feel like i'm just dead weight.

i guess it'll work itself out.
it always does.
dJ

WHEREicurrentlyEXIST: TV room
HOWiBEfeelin: stressed

i really am stupid.
idiotic.
a moron.
dumb.



but i survive.
cause i have you.

i just get jealous cause he's around i'm not.
for the most important years of you life...

but i'll get over it i guess.

WHEREicurrentlyEXIST: tv room
HOWiBEfeelin: blank
myJAMS: Mates of State: My only offer

"Love with out effort...isn't love."

Tags: writer's block
WHEREicurrentlyEXIST: my cell...
myJAMS: none...just the sound of the dryer...

Jason Mraz and Colbie Callait
Lucky

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

that song epitmizes how i feel.
that i'll be waiting...
and that i'm in love with my best friend and how lucky i am to have found him.
mmmm
he makes me so happy.

tomorrow will be the last time i see him until october.
it sucks.
but i know it will work.
we both want it.
and we're happy.
and that's all that matters.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm excited to go on vacation.
but at the same time....i'm not.
i'm not sure why...
i guess it's because i know that chris is going away...
and then i know that i'm going to have fun...
if the cruise started AFTER the 19th...i think i'd be fine...
but...i'm just not sure how i feel right now.
i'm just...i'm giong to miss him a lot.
and that's all i've been thinking about lately...
i'm pathetic i know...lol

but i just....
i love him SOOOO much it's crazy sometimes...
but we love eachother.
and that's all that matters in the end.

dJo <3 cMg!!


davidJOHN

WHEREicurrentlyEXIST: my room.
HOWiBEfeelin: indescribable
myJAMS: Jason Mraz: Lucky

so i've been away for a little more than two weeks from LJ.

and i needed the time...

i'm not sure...EXACTLY what i'm going to write about tonight.
i have always just written honestly and openly and just said what i felt and what i meant(most of the time)

i have written things that later on i found out weren't true.
and later on regretted saying because i was an asshole.
and i sincerly apoligize.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i've been up here for a while...
and i'm still not too fond of it.
i like my house...but as of right now...
it doesn't feel like a home to me.
i feel awkward in it...which is why i'm always so moody...
i don't sleep well when i'm here. unless chris is here cause then i feel like home has come to me. (if that makes sense)

i've met a lot of cool people here so far.
but none of them are what i consider people from south jersey... friends.
i just feel awkward up here. kind of unwanted. and not by my parents or anyone.
i just...it's a different way of life up here...people are creeps too. it's awkward.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

chris leaves for michigan next tuesday.
i'm happy that he's happy.
and i can't wait until october 16th for him to come home already!! haha
i can't believe sometimes that i have someone as good as HIM IN MY LIFE!
he sticks by me.
and he loves me for all my flaws.
and that's something that everyone needs.
someone that will love you no matterwhat.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i go on vacation this saturday...
we fly out to LA to take our cruise which i'm throughly excited for.
we don't get back until september 1st.
i get to spend my birthday on the disney private island!! WAHOO!!!
august 31st babyyyy!!! :-P
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i got/ordered a new phone for my birthday (which i hope comes before i leave for vaca)
i got an iPhone because i wasn't getting all of chris' texts...
so i wanted to get it so we could talk more and better.
and we're both really happy that now it won't be a problem...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i told my grandparents about myself and chris.
that i'm gay.
and they took it well.
they said that they'll support me no matter what and that all they want is for me to be happy and safe. and that if i ever need to talk that they're there for me.
i love them.

well i think that's it with my life right now.
nothing too exciting.

i miss south jersey a hell of a lot!
and i'm going to miss chris.
a hell of a lot more!

life is finally starting to look up for me.
and i know i have my bad moments...
and i'm sorry about it all.

but i'm trying.
i need a second/ third/ fourth etc chance.
i'm starting over...
and i have the right people in my life to start over with.
Chris, Sara(cause we always have the best talks), my family, and various others.

WHEREicurrentlyEXIST: my roooooooom!!!!
HOWiBEfeelin: happy
myJAMS: Mika: Love Today

as of today.
this will be my very last post on livejournal for a nice good long time.

i don't need this anymore.
nothing good comes of it.
no one (except for a few people) likes me anymore because of this stupid site.
people want me to speak my mind.
people want me to be honest with them...but as soon as i'm honest and try to speak my mind and tell people how i feel...i feel eyes glaring down on me...
i've lost a lot of friends because i try to be honest with how i'm feeling and instead of people telling me "no you shouldn't feel thatway...that's not it at all...or please don't feel that way...etc" everyone joins and alliance against me (and again NOT EVERYONE)

i just have a thing to make clear about my last post.
i blew things out of proportion.
i thought that someone was trying to invade.
and they weren't.
and i'm sorry.
i've said too many sorrys lately...
but i guess i'm still at fault.
because it truly wasn't as big a deal as i had made it out to be...or had thought it was.
and i'm sorry. whether you believe that or not.


so this is it.
if anyone ever feels like talking to me...
everyone knows how to reach me.
facebook. myspace.
phone. aim.

if not.
i'm truly sorry.
dJ

WHEREicurrentlyEXIST: my room... alone and sad.
HOWiBEfeelin: numb
myJAMS: Moulin Rouge: Come What May

so do you know when you have that ONE good thing in your life? and that's all you need to get through the day.

for me.
that's chris...

he gets me through the day...
he helps me out SO much...
i don't know what i'd do with out him.

because no one else talks to me anymore.
because of what an ass i was.
and i deserve it...
i know i do...

but like i said before...
i apoligized...and i meant it.

and if all the good i've done in my life...
and all the nice... can't outwiegh the few times i've been a mean bastard... or made a few bad fucking decisions...
then why is it worth trying to win anyone back over?
because no matter what i say...no one's going to be my friend again...
and everyone is constantly going to be second guessing me...
and i don't want that...
i just want people to remember me for who i've always been...
and put the past in the past...
i'm ready to reconcile...
but no one is letting me have my second chance...
and i wish they would....

i miss my old life...
i miss my friends...
i miss chris...
i miss me.

WHEREicurrentlyEXIST: STILL in my room
myJAMS: STILL listening to nothing...

i'm lonely...
and when i'm lonely my mind wanders...
and that's when i get in trouble...
because i'm all alone up here...
and so far one person has visited me...
and it's of course chris...and i love everysecond i spend with him.
i truly do.

but he's the only person that talks to me.
and when he doesn't text me i get nervous...
and when i know there's alcohol around... i get nervous.
i know i'm over reacting...
i just... idk...

i'm lonely...
and my mind has been wandering...
idk...

WHEREicurrentlyEXIST: still my room...
HOWiBEfeelin: lonely
myJAMS: still nothing...

i just...
i don't understand sometimes.
why people do the most stupid things!

he has a boyfriend.
so there is NO need to tell him that you like him...
that you think he's attractive...
and all the while throw in that guilt trip like "i know that nothing could ever happen... etc"

just LAY off!

it's not necessary!
it's certainly not RIGHT!
and he's taken.
OMFG!
just keep your fucking mouth shut.
you ALWAYS do this and you need to stop.
the only reason i'm posting this is because you'll NEVER read it and i was asked not to confront you about it.
ugh.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so chris came over this weekend...
and it was good.
and he went to the beach while i worked...
and it was good.
and last night we went to see "THE DARK KNIGHT"
O.M.G!!!
SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!!!
it was amazing...
and i don't care if heath is dead or not...he should win SOME kind of award for that performance...
it was SO AMAZING!!!
...chris left today...
and i miss him already...
and now he's over lauras house swimming...
and i wish i was there with him...
but it would be kind of awkward....because there are supposedly going to be a lot of people there that are mad at me...so...yeah...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i miss people.
i'm lonely up here...
and i know i deserve it.
i know i did it to myself.
i pissed people off...
and i deserve it...

i just wish that i could take it all back now...
i'm sorry.





Despondent
de·spond·ent –adjective: feeling or showing profound hopelessness, dejection, discouragement, or gloom:


i just don't know anymore...

davidJOHN

WHEREicurrentlyEXIST: my room...
HOWiBEfeelin: depressed
myJAMS: nothing...not in the mood...

last night....
was amazing.
truly amazing.
actually...
ALL DAY was amazing...

i got a lot of compliments for my song that i had to sing yesterday...
that felt really good.

then i went to starbucks with my little brother...
he's trying SO hard to like coffee and go to get coffee with me...
and i really appreciate it...
because we're getting closer...which i like...
he can tell me things and i can go to him with things...
and i'm glad we're becoming good friends...
we're gong to need each other a lot.
because it's just us up here...
and we both need the company...

anywayyyyyyy....
so after starbucks i drove to williamstown/franklinville and spent the day with chris...
we went to his friend's grad party...
and then back to his house...
watched some movies...
then went to bed..... ;)
haha

it was just a real good day....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
today...
sucks....
it's rainy...
the airconditioning in my new house is not working... something with freon....idk...
my room is still in boxes because i'm procrastinating...
and i have to go back to work soon for a few more hours....
ugh...
i wish that today was like yesterday...

chris said he might come up for a few days...in case anyone wants to come up with him...
haha

but he's so sweet coming up to visit me all the time...
he's helped me a lot.
i love him.... :-P
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so yeah...
only 34 more days until i go on vacation...
i'm EXTREMELY excited...
but upset that chris doesn't leave until three days after i leave...
so our goodbye will be...sad..upsetting... too early...
but that just gives me a reason to go and visit him in michigan.... :)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SO ONE COME VISIT!!!
PLEASE!!!!

anyway...
i have to go back to work....
i've got nothing better to do anyway...

miss you all!!!
dJ

WHEREicurrentlyEXIST: TV room....
HOWiBEfeelin: bored
myJAMS: espn home run derby pregame.. haha